I am a WHAT IF PERSON........
And what if people are SCARED PEOPLE......
My biggest battle is the one that takes place in my mind. I believe this foreboding of life began not long after my little self emerged into this world. That is......Me and my sweet sweet sister PAM.....You see we were identical twins. We spent time together. Developing together. Sharing the same space and breathing....TOGETHER.
Twins are the only people in the world with identical DNA..........
And then she was GONE. When she was 3 months old she died.
Death........at any age is gut punching. It leaves you gasping for air. After she died I got very sick with pneumonia......lungs filled with tears for my lost sister.......
It is hard to put into words that loss. I try and fail.......
People look at me and say, "well you were young and didn't even know her."
Who decides the age when grief is appropriate and can be felt and experienced anyway........
Fast forward to June and a lot of fear in between......
I had a trip all planned. A restoration retreat with my good friends. My husband would watch the kids. Or so I thought. He informs me that he has a golf outing to attend. Okay, I will ask my mom. Of course she will but she has to do run some errands..........
Drive with them.......and that is all it takes for me to tumble down. And my mind begins to reel. The WHAT IF'S begin to assult me.........
My mind begins to create......Stories...........not of life but of DEATH.
FEAR like heroin coursing through MY BODY.
Fear has been my constant companion for as long as I can remember. Faithful
What does a fearful person do. They blame and attack. My husband and I have had these moments before. Intense. Fear has taken its toll. Burden....I am tired of laughing a laugh less laugh.
And as I yell my fear loudly.........It is as if God gentle puts His hands on my shoulders and speaks to me.......
IT IS NOT BOB YOU DO NOT TRUST. IT IS NOT YOUR MOM YOU DO NOT TRUST.
YOU DO NOT TRUST ME!!!!!!!! And I am your GOD!!!!
And I say it........out loud...... NO GOD I DON'T TRUST YOU. My heart is hard, fearful, angry, and hurt.....Relieved that I don't have to pretend anymore.
So we wrestle........I tell God. He listens. How can I trust you with my kids when Pam died. What kid of God allows kids to suffer. Why did you ask Abraham to sacrifice Isaac? Why????????
I doubt His goodness. Like Eve. I listen to my mind. The snake hissssssss.
I will go to the retreat and pretend. I have shut down. Within a half hour of riding with these woman I am so blessed to have as friends I am in tears, MY FAITH IS WAVERING...........
My friend shares her fear for her son..........and instead of WHAT IF..........she tells about how God speaks EVEN IF"s to her........
EVEN IF all my what if's happen......God is still good. His Word speaks of life and not death. His Word is TRUTH. In the end we are victorious over death. It says that right there in 1 Corinthians 15:55.....“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”
My fear does not magically go away and things are not super spiritual now. I have good days and I have bad days. But this I know........God held me tight in my fear. He did not throw me in the pool and say well, SWIM.......HE LOVES ME SO MUCH.
I know the strong arm of the Lord is enough to hug me, protect me, carry me. So I press on and I press into that STRONG ARM OF HIS.........
